Just know when that glass is empty, the world is gonna bend.

It's been easier. Well, some days have, anyway.
I mean, it has been three months. It should be pretty easy by now.
I read my last post and realized how vulgar I was.
I apologize.
But I'm just a naturally vulgar person. I get it from my mother.

I don't understand the way my mind works sometimes. I'm so in love with the Ex, and yet I'm so upset because his current boyfriend is somewhere where he can't come back from until April. Why am I so upset for him? Why do I want him to be happy, and yet I'm so upset that he's not with me?

Why can't I just win for once?

I'm just ready for these five months to fly by. I'm 99.9% sure I'll be attending Hofstra University in Hempstead, New York this fall - not that far from the city at all - and I'll be able to find someone with relative ease.

And I'll be able to completely take my mind off of the Ex and his new Me.

/whine.

This Saturday, there's a chance I'll be seeing Chelsea Handler at DAR Constitution Hall. Any idea how much I love her? Any at all?

She's so funny, it's stupid.

It's getting to a Lady Gaga level, which is very dangerous.

But I think it's only because I'm reading her new book.

Speaking of the Gagster, that's my title credit.

So Happy I Could Die - Lady Gaga.

You're welcome.

Time to Get Personal -- Part Two.

I'm sick of feeling this way about myself.

I'm not fat, but every time I eat, I feel absolutely revolting. And if I had enough self control, I'd stop eating altogether. I'm sick of feeling repulsive.

The Ex has a boyfriend before I do. He's moved on entirely. He's not coming back this time - at least, not now, not for a long time. Every other time, he's come back. Now he's officially moved on.

Anyway.

Someone else already wants him, likes him, has him. And then, just a few days ago, some random cute guy says hi to him, out of nowhere. Doesn't even know him, just taps on his shoulder and gives him a grinning hello.

Not to mention an ugly motherfucker at school has a boyfriend, and I know damn well I'm not ugly.

Which leaves me with the question - What the fuck is wrong with me?

I really just don't understand. He's already over me and moved on. He's already found someone else, someone else is already taking my place in his heart, in his mind, in his arms, in his bed. No one wants me.

I don't fucking get it, and I want someone to explain it to me.

I'm tired of sounding like I'm always having a pity party and going on about how I hate myself and I'm tired of waking up every morning.

I want to know what's wrong with me.

I want the universe to give me a fucking sign.

I'm so sick of this.

Time to Get Personal.

It's been a while.

And I think it's time to get very personal.

My relationship has been over since about Decemeber, and I'm pretty sick of not being over it. I'm sick of every movement he makes making me fall more and more in love with him, when I'm trying to not feel this way anymore.

We are best friends. I can't just leave him, not be around him, because he still wants me to be around.

The dilemma: his new boyfriend.

As of almost exactly a month ago, he started seeing someone else. I didn't know the person, so I really don't have a reason to dislike him. And I really don't have a reason to dislike the ex, either. Because he didn't do anything wrong. He thought he didn't want a relationship, and then found someone else that he really likes and care for.

He's seventeen. We're in high school. I'm graduating, and he has another year. Did I really expect him to stay committed to me from high school til the end of time?

He's made promises that he wants to keep, but every time that he's with the other boy, it's like... those promises fade more and more. And I'm trying so hard to make myself be okay with that. Because, really, I think it's time to let go and move on.

The hard part is figuring out how.

Never have I felt so much pain in my life. I didn't think I'd fall in love at age seventeen, and I don't care if you think that's impossibe - I know I did. And I know I have my whole life ahead of me, blah blah blah. But I really just don't know what to do with myself. Never in my life have I wanted to just self destruct so badly.

I know how pathetic and horrible it sounds, and I know I look like a complete attention whore right now. But I just... I don't really know what to do with myself. I can't take anyone's advice, because even if it is amazing advice - which it all is, really - I can't take it. Because... why? Because I'm a masochist?

No. Because he's my best friend, and I'm his. And I can't just leave him, in any capacity. He's falling for someone else, and I'm sitting here watching and dying over it.

I just need to know how to let go without losing him.

And I really don't know how anymore.

I never thought I'd feel this way. At least, not so soon.

I guess it really was so foolish of me to believe in forever.

I'm fucking seventeen.