Time to Get Personal.

It's been a while.

And I think it's time to get very personal.

My relationship has been over since about Decemeber, and I'm pretty sick of not being over it. I'm sick of every movement he makes making me fall more and more in love with him, when I'm trying to not feel this way anymore.

We are best friends. I can't just leave him, not be around him, because he still wants me to be around.

The dilemma: his new boyfriend.

As of almost exactly a month ago, he started seeing someone else. I didn't know the person, so I really don't have a reason to dislike him. And I really don't have a reason to dislike the ex, either. Because he didn't do anything wrong. He thought he didn't want a relationship, and then found someone else that he really likes and care for.

He's seventeen. We're in high school. I'm graduating, and he has another year. Did I really expect him to stay committed to me from high school til the end of time?

He's made promises that he wants to keep, but every time that he's with the other boy, it's like... those promises fade more and more. And I'm trying so hard to make myself be okay with that. Because, really, I think it's time to let go and move on.

The hard part is figuring out how.

Never have I felt so much pain in my life. I didn't think I'd fall in love at age seventeen, and I don't care if you think that's impossibe - I know I did. And I know I have my whole life ahead of me, blah blah blah. But I really just don't know what to do with myself. Never in my life have I wanted to just self destruct so badly.

I know how pathetic and horrible it sounds, and I know I look like a complete attention whore right now. But I just... I don't really know what to do with myself. I can't take anyone's advice, because even if it is amazing advice - which it all is, really - I can't take it. Because... why? Because I'm a masochist?

No. Because he's my best friend, and I'm his. And I can't just leave him, in any capacity. He's falling for someone else, and I'm sitting here watching and dying over it.

I just need to know how to let go without losing him.

And I really don't know how anymore.

I never thought I'd feel this way. At least, not so soon.

I guess it really was so foolish of me to believe in forever.

I'm fucking seventeen.