Well shit.

As some of my readers know by now - the ones who know me, or overhear me in class - my mom was laid off a month or so ago. She has had no luck finding a job - not even a temp. I was freaking out before, but now I'm terrified, as is she.

If she cannot find a job my mid-January, I would have to move in with my father, and she would move in with her sister in Pittsburgh. I would stay with my dad to finish out the school year, then, if it's up to me - which it might not be, because he can be a tool bag - I'll move to Pittsburgh over the summer and finish out my senior year at a local high school that one of my cousins graduated from that's very similar to the one I'm going to now.

Leaving terrifies me. And my mom is mad, because I'm staying with my dad, and she thought I'd go with her. She's furious, and I hurt her really bad by telling her I wanted to go with my dad, if just for a couple months. For the longest time, I have said over and over that:
a) I do not want to leave these dogs.
b) I do not want to live with Kim.
c) My dad doesn't understand me.

I've promised my mom time and time again that I wouldn't live with my dad if I had to. And now it's an actual, very real possibility, and I'm terrified. I don't want to go to Pittsburgh and start over somewhere new. I may hate this state, but I've grown up here. I don't know anything else. And, yes, part of it is my friends. Next year, Sam will have graduated, as will my other senior friends, but what about everyone else? And Abby? She'll be living with her grandmother, close-ish to where my dad lives (less than 10 minute drive), and I'll miss her like hell. And, of course, other people.

If I am forced to stay with my dad for however many months, the plus side is I will probably get my license. Who knows, maybe even a car.

(As Ellen Paige said in Juno: WHOA, DREAM BIG!)

If this happens, transportation will be a million times easier. I'll be able to see the three people I'm closest to easier, even 250 miles away. I'd visit every opportunity I got.

But I'm so scared.

Leaving has never been so real before, and I'm terrified.

~J*~