It's 11:06 PM on Friday, September 19th. I've been moping about not having a boyfriend for about two hours now, give or take. It's pretty pathetic. I get like this once every two or three weeks and I IM people and get attention and compliments and lectures and blah blah blah...
Blah.
Blah blah.
It's all so stupid. Because like... I don't know. I'm lonely. I want someone so bad. And I'm restricted from talking to someone - who lives states away anyway - by a friend, and the upset I felt at that is starting to bubble back up.
Heh, the advice-giver needs advice.
Should I talk to the guy and risk losing a friend, or should I just fuck it all and keep pretending like I don't care?
I've been whining to people since this stupid little pity party started. "I'm a pathetic little faggot wah wah wah." It's gross, and that, in and of itself, makes me pathetic. I just want to be happy and, call me codependent, but sometimes I feel like I need a guy to be happy. That whole "love yourself before you can love anyone else" is total bullshit. Sometimes, people need love from someone else to love themselves in the first place. And it's not so good, but people can't really help how they feel, deep down in their core.
So I sit here at 11:09 PM writing a blog and possibly losing a friend by mentioning them in the process. But really, who are they to decide who I talk to?
Since when do they own people?
Why should I care what they tell me to do?
Because I love them.
Shit.
I forgot about that little detail.
So I'm fucked. Like, seriously, this is the true definition of a clusterfuck. Of course, it wouldn't matter anyway, because the guy that I'm not allowed to talk to... well, nothing would end up happening, and I would've lost a friend for something.
But I can't help but wonder, what if...?
I have family coming over tomorrow for a week-prior birthday thing, as you know. I should be together enough by then to be all smiles and sunshine. These things usually come at night and when I sleep, I feel better the next morning. Maybe I'm just grumpy.
Maybe I'm with my pet "lesbian" in the ranks of the bipolar.
Who knows?
I need a fucking therapist.
I need to talk to Diana again.
(Diana = this life coach lady that I talked to over the phone and we really don't have the money right now.)
I feel like writing, but I don't know if I'd be able to. I'm so tired, and I need to shower something awful. I also need to start working out and losing weight, because I am totally unhappy with my figure - or, rather, lack thereof. No, I'm not saying I'm fat, but I'm like, 20 pounds over where I should be. At least.
Does anyone know how I can send a video to someone not through email so they can use it on their computer? I'm trying to do this collab video with hannah1721 and I can't get the goddamn video to her.
Ugh.
This week has just been fabulous.
~J*~
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