Eff Blogger.

Tumblr is where it's at.
Joey's Tumblr.

I love you all so, so much.
Visit me there?

Just know when that glass is empty, the world is gonna bend.

It's been easier. Well, some days have, anyway.
I mean, it has been three months. It should be pretty easy by now.
I read my last post and realized how vulgar I was.
I apologize.
But I'm just a naturally vulgar person. I get it from my mother.

I don't understand the way my mind works sometimes. I'm so in love with the Ex, and yet I'm so upset because his current boyfriend is somewhere where he can't come back from until April. Why am I so upset for him? Why do I want him to be happy, and yet I'm so upset that he's not with me?

Why can't I just win for once?

I'm just ready for these five months to fly by. I'm 99.9% sure I'll be attending Hofstra University in Hempstead, New York this fall - not that far from the city at all - and I'll be able to find someone with relative ease.

And I'll be able to completely take my mind off of the Ex and his new Me.

/whine.

This Saturday, there's a chance I'll be seeing Chelsea Handler at DAR Constitution Hall. Any idea how much I love her? Any at all?

She's so funny, it's stupid.

It's getting to a Lady Gaga level, which is very dangerous.

But I think it's only because I'm reading her new book.

Speaking of the Gagster, that's my title credit.

So Happy I Could Die - Lady Gaga.

You're welcome.

Time to Get Personal -- Part Two.

I'm sick of feeling this way about myself.

I'm not fat, but every time I eat, I feel absolutely revolting. And if I had enough self control, I'd stop eating altogether. I'm sick of feeling repulsive.

The Ex has a boyfriend before I do. He's moved on entirely. He's not coming back this time - at least, not now, not for a long time. Every other time, he's come back. Now he's officially moved on.

Anyway.

Someone else already wants him, likes him, has him. And then, just a few days ago, some random cute guy says hi to him, out of nowhere. Doesn't even know him, just taps on his shoulder and gives him a grinning hello.

Not to mention an ugly motherfucker at school has a boyfriend, and I know damn well I'm not ugly.

Which leaves me with the question - What the fuck is wrong with me?

I really just don't understand. He's already over me and moved on. He's already found someone else, someone else is already taking my place in his heart, in his mind, in his arms, in his bed. No one wants me.

I don't fucking get it, and I want someone to explain it to me.

I'm tired of sounding like I'm always having a pity party and going on about how I hate myself and I'm tired of waking up every morning.

I want to know what's wrong with me.

I want the universe to give me a fucking sign.

I'm so sick of this.

Time to Get Personal.

It's been a while.

And I think it's time to get very personal.

My relationship has been over since about Decemeber, and I'm pretty sick of not being over it. I'm sick of every movement he makes making me fall more and more in love with him, when I'm trying to not feel this way anymore.

We are best friends. I can't just leave him, not be around him, because he still wants me to be around.

The dilemma: his new boyfriend.

As of almost exactly a month ago, he started seeing someone else. I didn't know the person, so I really don't have a reason to dislike him. And I really don't have a reason to dislike the ex, either. Because he didn't do anything wrong. He thought he didn't want a relationship, and then found someone else that he really likes and care for.

He's seventeen. We're in high school. I'm graduating, and he has another year. Did I really expect him to stay committed to me from high school til the end of time?

He's made promises that he wants to keep, but every time that he's with the other boy, it's like... those promises fade more and more. And I'm trying so hard to make myself be okay with that. Because, really, I think it's time to let go and move on.

The hard part is figuring out how.

Never have I felt so much pain in my life. I didn't think I'd fall in love at age seventeen, and I don't care if you think that's impossibe - I know I did. And I know I have my whole life ahead of me, blah blah blah. But I really just don't know what to do with myself. Never in my life have I wanted to just self destruct so badly.

I know how pathetic and horrible it sounds, and I know I look like a complete attention whore right now. But I just... I don't really know what to do with myself. I can't take anyone's advice, because even if it is amazing advice - which it all is, really - I can't take it. Because... why? Because I'm a masochist?

No. Because he's my best friend, and I'm his. And I can't just leave him, in any capacity. He's falling for someone else, and I'm sitting here watching and dying over it.

I just need to know how to let go without losing him.

And I really don't know how anymore.

I never thought I'd feel this way. At least, not so soon.

I guess it really was so foolish of me to believe in forever.

I'm fucking seventeen.

The Defining Line.

There's something I've been wondering since about freshman year in high school. Having a serious relationship, as off and on as it was, did not change that.

Is physicality the defining line between relationship and friendship?

I don't want to believe this, but it seems like everyone else does. I even posted a question on my long-dead advice blog about it, saying that, no, it isn't. But I don't have proof of that.

What if all that sets apart a friendship from a relationship is sex? And, obviously, more intense feelings, but... regardless, that just doesn't seem like enough to me.

I can't explain it.

I hope someone can.

Because I'm tired of wondering this.




Time for Google.

~J*~

/neglect

Okay, so, since I like, neglect the $#!t out of this blog, for all of you J O E Y addicts out there, I'll give you my Tumblr again.

But yeah. Um. Okay. MUSIC WEDNESDAY. :)



Ke$ha

So I always promised myself that I would never do "Music Monday" (or any day of the week) on any artist that's overplayed on the radio.

(Seriously, do you know how many times I would've done Lady Gaga by now?)

(Legit.)

But I can't help it. And no, I haven't only heard her radio-hit, "Tik Tok," so I at least sort of kind of know what I'm talking about when I say that Ke$ha's music is so freaking catchy. I went on her Pure Volume account and listened to her four other tracks, and I must say that I would not mind SPENDING ACTUAL MONEY on this CD. Really diggin' her music.

And that's all there really is to say on that matter.

_____________

In other news.

Monday, December 14, was my one year anniversary with Boyfriend. Granted, things are really complicated right now. But I've been promised forever, and I trust him with my life. So I believe it.

We're just... not entirely commited right now. And I can't expect him to want to be at sixteen (going on seventeen). Even I really don't.

Well, I do. But I know I'm going to want to date other people. But I know all I'll be seeing is him.

UGH.

/convolutedfeelings.

~J*~

Music... erm... TUESDAY.

I forgot again.



The Dresden Dolls

Okay, so they're not exacty new on the scene. But they're still fabulous. I binged on them a while ago, and now I'm falling in love with them again. I was listening to their beautiful song, "Boston," one night, because it's somewhat applicable to my current situation. And then I just started listening to all of their CDs. And I fell back in love.

This cabaret rock duo has since split up, but that doesn't mean they're not going to potentially reunite. Amanda Palmer has come out with her own album, which is beautiful, but I don't enjoy it quite as much as her music with Brian Viglione.

Please listen to them. They're a couple of GODS.

~J*~

S N O W F A L L.

The snow is absolutely GORGEOUS.

The first snowfall of the year.

How romantic.

I'd love to be cuddled up under a blanket with someone watching movies right now.

Buuuuuut....... Bleh. Let's not go there.

It's not really a bad "bleh." But it's a kinda eh "bleh."

But anyhoozits. I'm falling back in love with the Dresden Dolls. It's kinda crazy. I think they're going to be my next Music Monday. I just Tumbled about them a little bit, too.

So Monday through Thursday, I did really well with eating and working out. And then Thursday night I had McDonalds D: But I think I ate less than I usually do when I go there. Kind of. And then Friday I didn't get to work out. And I ate Burger King. And chocolate. And then today I ate like, five pieces of pizza.

So much for losing my pudge, eh?

I'm really upset that tomorrow's going to be forty degrees and sunny. The beautiful snow is all going to melt. I think I'm going to hang out with Chessie again. Chessie = my friend Francesca. But everyone calls her Chessie. So yeah.

I have the worst writer's block. So I'm about to read some stuff on a writer's forum and hopefully get inspired. Because I'm writing a story that's like, really intriguing me, and I want to WRITE it, but I don't know if I cannnnnnnn. D:

~J*~

A Series of Heartfelt Letters, "Clever Girl Goes Blog" Style - Part Deux

Dear Blogger,

I love you. And all of my readers that come with you. But I'm kind of starting to hate you. I've trapped myself in this really lame style, and I can't get out of it. And I enjoy my Tumblr style so much more.

Oh well. I won't desert you.

Love,
Me. As always.

_______________________

Dear Christmas,

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I FUCKING WANT!!

Sincerely,
Someone who has no idea what they fucking want.

_______________________

Dear Weather,

I'm sick and tired of this back and forth nonsense. Please make up your mind. Will you be too lovely to be winter? Or will you be too cold for the ninth circle of Hell? I'd really appreciate it if you could either settle on a proper winter temperature, or be abnormally tropical.

Sincerely,
Someone who's going to get sick from Mother Nature's menopausal mood swings any day now.
_______________________

Dear Photography,

I think this project is going to suck. Considering I don't really admire anyone. I just love people. So my "Someone you admire" project is going to be about someone I love. And the essay will be phenom.
Mkay?

Sincerely,
Someone who can't think of a witty name for this entry.

______________________

Dear Heart-felt Letters,

You're a lot of fun to write. I should do this more often.
*sigh*
If only I was clever.
If only.

Sincerely,
Non-Clever-Boy-Goes-Blogger-Then-Tumblr.

_______________________

~J*~

Ad Canvassing Win? (THE END OF NABLOPOMO)

So, you can tell I celebrated the end of NaBloPoMo yesterday by... not posting :) Hehe.

Anyway, I went ad canvassing yesterday afternoon with a classmate of mine and I'm not sure whether or not it was a success... We left contracts and newspapers at four places, and... well, I guess they'll contact him if they want. The teacher, I mean.

Life is so crazy right now.

Well, not right now. Well, kind of. But college is going to make the other "L" word much more difficult. The one that's not life.

(Not talking about lesbians here.)

I'm trying not to think about it.

But I can't help it.

You know?

When you want something to work this badly, you can't help but think about it - and how things could go horribly wrong.

~J*~

Ad Canvassing Fail?

So I hate my journalism teacher.

It's like, definite now.

First, he makes the entire class stay after school until six o'clock once a month and expects everyone to arrange their own rides home. Even though not everyone can drive. And I don't know about everyone else, but my mom is losing pay so she can leave work early to come get me.

Second, he gets mad at one of my friends for not being able to stay until six o'clock because she has to watch her one year old sister. Very cool.

Third, me and a couple friends formed a group to go ad canvassing - in other words, to go around shops and ask managers if they want to take out an ad in the school paper - at a shopping center near my house. These friends can drive, and I can walk to the shopping center.
Does he even give us a chance to suggest this?
Naw.
He gives us a shopping center near the two friends' houses, and neither of them want to give me a ride.
Of course, they don't tell me they can't give me a ride until eleven o'clock, which was when we were supposed to be meeting.
And now one of those friends is vehemently denying the fact that we decided on the easier shopping center, but whatever.

It really doesn't matter, I guess.

Just a bunch of bullshit.

I hate that teacher, and I'm really starting to hate the class.

~J*~

I'm Buying Plane Tickets to Illinois for June/July 2010. Mkay?

Yeah. I think I'm going to save up about $275 for a plane ticket to Illinois to visit my bestest friend that I've neverever met before.

Anyway.

So I went Black Friday shopping with Boyfriend yesterday, and it was just like any other weekend at the mall. The crowd wasn't that bad. It was only bad for the people on methamphetamines that went at like, five in the morning.

But I got two people Christmas presents, and I have like... two more to go.

And I still have like, 55 bucks to spend :D Woo!

I'm gonna get myself a resistance band jont to work out. Because um... there's this amazing boy that has an equally amazing body that I feel very out-of-shape next to.

And I just ate one of the most fattening things in the world, so I need to go on like, a twelve hour walk.

FUCK MY STOMACH PUDGE.

:(

~J*~

This is My Post For Tomorrow

So Thanksgiving was not bad. At all.

I went to my dad's for the first time in eight months. And it was as if nothing had ever happened. But I think I trust him a little more now. More than I did for a while. Which was not at all.

So now that that bullet has finally been bitten, I might start going over there again. And Boyfriend isn't entirely thrilled with that idea. Honestly, I'm kind of anxious, too. But I guess... we'll just see what happens. Which has been my philosophy for life lately. We'll just see how things go.

So yeah. Turkey Day is over, and I get to see Boyfriend tomorrow, all day. I miss him. Which sounds odd, considering I see him every day at school and talk to him every night. I dunno.

But yeah.

So everything was pretty... okay.

~J*~

HAPPY
THANKSGIVING

I hope everyone's holiday is absolutely wonderful.

And I hope you all have something amazing to be thankful for.

My Thankfulishness

-Samantha Jean PENGUIN (Last name has been changed)
-Lilian Nichole VOMITEY (last name has been changed, and I probably spelled the first two names wrong :D)
-Megan SLUTHAUSEN (do I really need to keep repeating myself?)
-Francescaaa Gurllll.

-My Amazing Boyfriend-

Have fun devouring your poor, innocent turkeys, you all.

I know I... won't.

Haha.

I can't wait to be a vegetarian.


~J*~

A Bit of News

I guess posting twice in one day makes up for my lack of posting yesterday.

Um, I'm kind of cheating on Blogger a little bit.

Joey's Tumblr

...

Yeahhh.

I'll still post here!

Probably more personal stuff will go here, and then just other random things regarding movies, music, and just little ramblings will go on Tumblr.

I kind of like it better than Blogger, actually. The set-up is much more... organized.

><

I love all you Blogger people still.

And I'm not going anywhere!!!

But for all you class of '09ers that I've discovered love my little annoying rantings and ravings, you might wanna follow that jont, too.

Mkay?

I'm not letting this fame get to my head, am I?

:)

~J*~

The FAME.

(Totally ignoring the fact that I'm horrible at this NaBloPoMo nonsense and didn't post yesterday.)

So apparently, I'm a wee bit for famous than I thought.

THE CLASS OF 2009 LOVES MEEEEEE.

:)

Today is, as you know, the day before Thanksgiving, and we have one of those bullshit half days high school students haven't really seen much of since their pre-secondary-school days. So a lot of --

BREAKING NEWS

I just received a tweet from Semi-Precious Weapons that today is their LAST DAY IN THE RECORDING STUDIO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMGOMGOMGOMGNEWALBUMNEWALBUMNEWALBUM SQUEEEEEE.

--graduates came to visit their favorite teachers. In second period journalism, a girl whose name I WISH I knew (sorry, mysterious fan D:) told me that a LOT of last-year seniors read my blog. Like, a LOT. And they get all excited when I update.

DO YOU KNOW HOW FAMOUS I FEEL?

GAHHHHHHH!!!

YAY CLASS OF '09! YOU'RE SO MUCH COOLER THAN THE CLASS OF '10 BECAUSE THEY'RE A BUNCH OF ASSHOLES MOSTLY KINDA!!!

I wish I was a junior ><

Anyway.

So yeah, that takes care of that :)

Um, would someone mind telling me why I have a really weird taste at the back of my throat after I eat or drink anything? Because I'm a little concerned.

But yeah. Uhm. No school for two days :) But something very scary/exciting is happening tomorrow.

I'm seeing my dad for the first time in almost eight months.

I'm going to his house for Thanksgiving, and I'm really anxious, but I think I'm ready.

Wish me luck?

And then the rest of this little mini-break should be chill. Boyfriend's house Friday, and then ad-canvassing for the school newspaper with cool people on Saturday or Sunday. Hopefully, I'll be able to do Christmas shopping one of those days. My BFFL tried to get me to agree to wake up at like, four in the morning to hit all the Black Friday sales.

Pardon my French, but EFF THAT.

So yeah.

That's... about the height of it.

YAY.

~J*~

PS: You need to check out "Monster" by Lady Gaga. NOW. It's like crack.

Ohhay, Let's Take a Sick Day Out of a Two and a Half Day Week.

Of course, last night, I felt like shit, and this morning, I woke up feeling worse.

So I didn't go to school, and I only have two and a half days of school this week.

Plus I'm just not a happy camper right now.

Suffice it to say that I'll never make anyone happy, and I'll probably die a miserable old cat lady.

With a penis.

Anyway.

On with the Music Monday.

Regina Spektor

Okay, so this woman is pretty much perfect. She mixes her upbeat melodies with beautiful ballads, and all of the lyrics are incredibly clever and have a deeper-than-what's-on-the-surface meaning. The music is just fantastic, and Spektor is very good with her fingers - on the piano, that is.

My favorite album from her is called "Begin to Hope," but the one pictured above is called "Far." They're both amazing, as is her older one, "Soviet Kitsch."'

(Don't sue me if I got the spelling wrong. But I'm pretty sure I didn't.)

Definitely check Regina Spektor out. Her new... I don't know if it's a single, but there's a video for it... well, whatever, it's called "Dance Anthem of the '80s." It's very cute. As are most of her other songs. A song that I find very powerful from her "Begin to Hope" album is called "Samson." Definitely listen to it - it'll tug on your heartstrings.

~J*~

Boring Friday, Exciting Saturday

Okay.
So you know how I said my mom was at a concert Friday night and I was supposed to hang out with Francesca.
Yeah. Didn't happen. 'Cause Cescie girl lost her phone.
-_-
*Smacks a bitch*

So I was at home. Alone. For all of Friday night. Talking to Nikki for about three hours about how pissed off we are for being in similar situations. I ordered myself a pasta bread bowl from Dominos and watched I Know Who Killed Me, and I don't care what anyone says - I love that movie.

But yeah.

Last night was oodles of fun though. KaraKabob had one of her numerous, epic parties. And I kissed a girl. And I didn't really like it. And I kissed a boy. And it was kind of amazing. But it's been that way for about... 11 months and 7 days now, so I'm not TOO surprised. Haha.

I'm so hungry right now, though. I want another bread bowl. But it's 10:03 AM. And we're going to the store. And I really don't want to. So I might not.

OH MY GOD I'M GETTING MORE GUM TODAY!!!

THANK JESUS. I'm running so low.

~J*~

My Lollipop Just Cut My Lip D:

So my mom is going to a Bruce Springsteen concert tonight.

And I don't know if I'm getting out of the house or not.

But I really need to. Because I can't be home alone all night. So, probably I'll be with Francesca :)

I know this is such a bullshit post, but I just really wanted to whore the new Gaga video, for those that haven't seen it, because it's really effing epic.

Lady Gaga - Bad Romance

Seriously.

EPIC.

~J*~

I Have No More Stamps D:

I have two stamps left.

I need three for my UMD application.

...FUDGE.

Now it's going to stress me out until like, this weekend, when I get stamps and I can friggin send in the application and GAHH.

Honestly, I don't think I'm going to apply to any other schools. Like, the three in-state ones are fine. Everything else is just too much money.

So I realize that I have forgotten Music Monday yet again. And I know it's like, three days late. But... here ya go.

La Roux

I don't really listen to this techno-poppy duo all that much, but I DO have the above-pictured album, and I have heard most of it. Their songs are very catchy, and the beats just make you want to get up and dance. The lyrics of some of their songs are really pretty, but mostly, they're just good dance beats. The singer's voice is definitely unique. I'm not talking Semi-Precious Weapons unique, but it's different.

Anyway, this is a very good dance-type-music band, and they're definitely worth a listen.

~J*~